At the Bottom of Everything

It was my birthday yesterday and I essentially went off the rails for 2 days. My co-workers were being very sweet and surprised me with lunch and it all kind of went downhill from there.

For most of my life, food has been a furtive pleasure: A method to self-soothe. A celebration and a klonopin. This is week 7 of being more mindful of my eating, and 2 days of over-eating made me incredibly anxious.  Ultimately, the celebratory over- indulgence felt like it should amount to something. I wanted to enjoy it more. I essentially binged because this was a day that I was “allowed” to and I was supposed to enjoy it, but the mood was dampened with a mist of fear: what if I crumble and revert back to my (not so) old ways?

6 weeks of trying to introduce healthier habits and meal-prep and planning and getting my husband on-board with the change. It seems like I’ve waited all week for “cheat day” and felt dissatisfied during and sick afterwards.

What am I expecting from cheat days? I want for it to be a day where I don’t count and calculate each calorie that I consume, and I end up feeling like I have to eat the food that I “can’t” have during the week but I don’t want it to turn into a binge day (which it often does.) I don’t want to treat my body like a dumpster anymore.

Something wonderful I’m learning about the changes I’m trying to make is that for the first time, I’m not just trying to lose weight purely for superficial purposes but to take care of myself.

Happy Birthday, darling, we love you veryveryveryvery much

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